A Worksheet From Your Child’s Teacher While She is Out Sick During the Winter of Our Discontent
“I’m fine, really, don’t worry about me”
TO: 4th grade parents in Miss Olsen’s class
FROM: Principal Smith
SUBJECT: Miss Olsen is out sick
MESSAGE: I will be your child’s 4th-grade teacher as Miss Olsen has COVID. As you know, many teachers and staff are sick and we can’t find subs. That is why the counselor is teaching Culinary Arts and the custodian is handling AP Calculus.
Luckily, Miss Olsen left worksheets for your child to complete, and here is the first one. Thanks for your support during this difficult time!
4th Grade Verbal Analogies
An analogy is a comparison of two pairs of words that are related in a similar way. For example: A car is to a road as a boat is to water.
Please choose the most appropriate response to complete the analogy.
1. Student is to school as doctor is to ___________ .
c. someone I need right now
d. a game I wish I could play with Ryan Reynolds instead of being stuck at home with COVID
2. Los Angeles is to California as Paris is to ___________ .
d. a starry-eyed young woman’s dream to teach English in France that is now replaced with nightmares filled with masks, angry parents, and testing swabs stabbed into inappropriate places
3. Pack is to suitcase as fly is to ___________ .
d. something that will never be the same as I will fixate on the germs floating around the airplane and wondering what dreaded disease my row mate has picked up in Egypt or Hong Kong or Florida
4. Summer is to hot as winter is to ___________ .
c. triggering my Seasonal Affect Disorder
d. our discontent, oh, so much discontent
5. Soap is to scrub as bleach is to ___________ .
c. a smell that triggers my PTSD
d. everywhere in my classroom, house, and never mind… I still got COVID because I couldn’t bleach little Jimmy’s constant coughing that his mom reassured me was allergies
6. Pen is to write as shovel is to ___________ .
c. how I eat thickly buttered French bread while I watch Season 2 of Emily in Paris
d. what I need to bury my dreams
7. Carrot is to potato as apple is to ___________ .
d. where I would be working if I had majored in Computer Science
8. Eat is to food as drink is to ___________ .
d. what needs to stop happening as I sit alone pondering my future and meaningless existence (at least before noon)
9. Fourth is to fifth as sixth is to ___________ .
c. my number in the deli line
d. “I see dead people.”
10. Day is to sun as night is to ___________ .
c. endless tears
d. when I fall exhausted into my bed and toss and turn all night replaying everything from my day like worries about our political state, how long this pandemic will continue, and when I will have enough money for a one-way ticket to Paris that I would have already if I had majored in computer science as I wanted, but no, I had to follow in my parent’s footsteps, blah, blah, blah
11. All work is to no play as Jack is to ___________ .
c. a dull boy
d. Is that my landlord in the black and white photo by the door?
12. Vaccine is to immunity as vaccine-refusal is to ___________ .
d. head-slamming frustration, screaming in the shower, and why the fuck do so many people lack critical thinking skills?
13. Hammer is to pound as hatchet is to ___________ .
c. a throwing game you can pay to play while drinking, which didn’t anyone stop to think that might not be the best idea?
d. murder which I will do if one more person tells me, “COVID is caused by 5G towers”
Thanks for completing this with your child. We will go over the answers together in class once we can be together again. Perhaps in a month? Months? Who knows! What is the point? Do the worksheet or don’t. But can someone please pick up the French bread I ordered from the bakery? They don’t deliver. — Miss Olsen
This was originally published on Frazzled Humor on Medium.com