“Would NOT recommend. My driver is SO embarrassing!”
Benny, age 13: 1 star
“My driver left my house five minutes late. That means I got to the mall five minutes late to meet my friends. I do NOT recommend this driver. Are you trying to ruin my life, mom?”
Driver of Benny: 3 stars
“My passenger is complaining about five minutes? I carried him five extra DAYS when he refused to be born.”
Sophie, age 15.5: 1 star
“My driver did NOT come to complete stops and wait the required three seconds at each stop sign. I would say he rolled through at least three, maybe four signs, tailgated on the freeway, and didn’t use his blinkers. Maybe my driver should go back to driver’s training. I do not recommend this driver. Oh, wait. I need a ride Friday, please? You’re the best dad ever!”
Driver of Sophie: 2 stars
“My passenger proceeded to tell me how to do my job. I don’t need driving lessons from a teenager. I’ve been driving longer than she’s been alive. Whatever. Fine. I can drive you if you tell me one more time how great I am.”
Jimmy, age 2: WAAAAH
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Gowwwwwwddddd Fisssssies!”
Driver of Jimmy: 5 stars
“My passenger cried the whole time and requested unavailable snacks. I used my best tricks to get him to stop, such as singing, humming, and bargaining with the devil, but nothing worked. Challenging passenger today but still five stars, because now, he’s cute as the devil.”
Bonnie, age 7: 5 stars
“I LOVE my driver’s music. We sang ‘Baby Shark’ and ‘Dance Monkey’ and ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ and ‘Happy Birthday’ even though it wasn’t anyone’s birthday. Mommy, you’re the best!”
Driver of Bonnie: 5 stars
“All the stars aligned to create the perfect driving experience: full tummies, well-rested, and a short route. Passenger was a pleasure to drive. Going to buy a lottery ticket now as this has never happened before.”
Sebastian, age 14: 1 star
“This driver’s music sucks.”
Driver of Sebastian: 3 stars
“My passenger ruined my enjoyment of the Beatle’s Abbey Road by complaining the whole time about having to listen to ‘old people’s music.’ This passenger’s taste in music is suspect. No, I do not want to ever listen to ‘Death Metal.’ Really? That’s a thing?”
Isabella, age 17: 1 star
“My driver gloated the whole time she was driving. It was SO embarrassing to be driven around town by my MOM. Ugh. I’m so sorry I called you that name. Can I please, please, please, have my driving privileges back?”
Driver of Isabella: 3 stars
“My passenger should be thankful she is going anywhere other than her bedroom. Am I on this earth to be called names by my daughter? No, I am not and there are consequences for your actions. Unless you are in politics.”
Sam, age 11: 1 star
“Man, my driver yelled SO loudly that it made me jump. Is it really so bad to eat potato chips in a car? Really? Perhaps her priorities are off. Maybe she should be yelling about climate change, politics, or why her neck looks like that.”
Driver of Sam: 3 stars
“Could my passenger be any messier? I specifically requested ‘No eating in the car’ but my passenger totally ignored the rules. I can’t vacuum the chips out of the crevices, and I will forever have crumbs wedged in unreachable places in my mini-van. And if my passenger ever wants a ride again, he needs to leave my neck out of it.”
Jimmy, age 2: WAAAAH
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Gowwwwwwddddd Fisssssies! Wahhhhh!”
Driver of Jimmy: 5 stars
“Can’t believe my passenger did this to me again. All the singing in the world did nothing. When will the madness stop?! Oh, my god please no more crying in the car. And I hope Jimmy stops crying someday, too.”
Taylor, age 12: 1 star
“My driver missed a turn, like how is that even possible when she has driven this road like a million times?”
Driver of Taylor: 3 stars
“My rider was full of opinions today. It was a wonderful day to practice self-control and filtering what I say. But it was fucking hard.”
Benson, age 9: 5 stars
“I loved talking about dinosaurs the whole ride. Can we talk some more about why they became extinct? Wait, I forgot to tell my driver about why triceratops have such short arms. Dad? Dad? DAD!!!!”
Driver of Benson: 4 stars
“Man, that kid can talk about dinosaurs. I think my ears are bleeding.”
Tina, age 16: 0 stars
“My driver was the WORST! Just because my driver dresses like an old granny does not mean I have to. She wouldn’t start the car until I dressed ‘appropriately.’ Why must I adhere to the puritanical constraints of my parents?”
Driver of Tina: 3 stars
“The rider’s choice of outfit revealed WAY too much skin for a 16-year-old. And where did she get that outfit, by the way? Someday, I would like my daughter to live in a world where she can dress as she pleases without people judging her or deciding she was ‘asking for it’ by how she dresses, but we aren’t there yet. I must go hug her and apologize again for our messed up world.”
Ronan, age 15: 5 stars
“My driver was fire! He took the car up to 90 mph. Damn that was fun. Thanks, Dad.”
Driver of Ronan: Oh no!
“Tech support? Can you please remove this review? I fear for my life if this gets read by the wrong person.”
Gina, age 5: 5 stars
“Thanks for taking me to the park. I love you, mom!”
Driver of Gina: 5 million stars
“Highly recommend this passenger. Why do kids have to grow up so quickly? I love you, too.”
Originally published on Medium.com at Frazzled