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Meatloaf Meets St. Peter and Finds Out That Two Out of Three IS Bad

St. Peter is waiting at the pearly gates and Meatloaf rides up in his motorcycle.

St. Peter: So, who do we have here tonight? 

Meatloaf: It’s me. 

St. Peter: Me? Do you know how many other people have said that over the millions of years? Sheesh. Fine. I will play along. I wonder who it is at my pearly gate? Oh, I see here on my clipboard that I have Meatloaf. And I thought the chef was announcing dinner. 

Meatloaf: Ha, ha. As the gatekeeper, I expected more. 

St Peter: And as the gatekeeper, I DO expect more. Okay, let me check my notes. Should we start at the beginning? 

Meatloaf: Sure. Knock your holy socks off. 

St. Peter: Marvin Lee Aday, born September 27, 1947, but now Meatloaf. I see that you told The Guardian in 2003 that “names and ages piss me off. So, I just continually lie.”  Is that how you expect to get into paradise?

Meatloaf: No, I plan to use dashboard lights to find the way.

St. Peter: Hardy har har. I know your songs, dude. That song sums up the existence of many people: bargaining for sex followed by a sprinkling of regret. I see that a lot up here. 

Meatloaf: Thanks, man. That means a lot to me. 

St. Peter: Okay and referring to my notes, it says here that one of your most popular songs was “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.” Actually, two out of three is bad here. We expect perfection. This is heaven.

Meatloaf: Dude. But it’s a great song, right? That should count for something. But as I said in my very first hit song and what started me on my career in 1971 is “What You See is What You Get.” 

St. Peter: Oh, we get that a lot up here, too. Rock and rollers who expect to get into heaven based on their defiance. Sounds like a thirteen-year-old to me. But at least that song had some rhythm and life in it and hints of the musical “Hair” which, Dude, was way cool. Good for you.

Meatloaf: Thanks, man. Oh, can I call you, man? 

St. Peter: Well, I would prefer, Oh Gatekeeper of my Eternal Soul, but man is fine too. I see that you were in the Rocky Horror Picture Show and sang with Cher. Impressive. 

Meatloaf: I know, right? Very cool. And don’t forget, “You Took the Words Right Out of my Mouth.”

St. Peter: Oh, I do like that one. You really knew how to connect to teenage angst and saying what needed to be said to get some lovin’, am I right? 

Meatloaf: You took the words right out of my mouth. 

St. Peter: Almost done. One last item to discuss. Tell me about your last big hit in the early nineties “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That).” The Big Gal up here mentioned she has been pondering that song for decades. She has theories but wants answers. 

Meatloaf: God is a woman? 

St. Peter: Sheesh! When will men stop being shocked that a woman controls heaven? 

Meatloaf: No offense. Just a bit surprised. Well, once I get in, I will answer any question that she has. 

St. Peter: Okay, well, perhaps I see why you are wanted here.

Meatloaf: Why is that?

St. Peter: Your ability to translate teenage angst into a lifelong passion of resistance but still make people want you, and need you, and actually love you. Okay, perhaps on your death bed, you got three out of three. Welcome, Meatloaf!

Meatloaf: Fuck yeah! Here I come! Just like a bat out of hell, I’ll be gone when the morning comes, but will be crawling back to heaven by nightfall.

St. Peter: Ahh, I don’t think it works that way up here, but okay. Welcome. Can you ask what they are serving for dinner tonight in the cafeteria? I have a hankering for meatloaf. 


This story was originally published: MuddyUm at

RIP Meatloaf